Universal Chaos: Straw Hat Style!
by The Utterly Fabulous Z
Summary: Walmart to Heat-Seeking Butt Missiles, punching lions to attempting to summon Satan in the public library, building dimensional portals to bursting into tears, tragic backstory to trolling cyborgs, feels for everything to random references, breaking the fourth wall courtesy of an archaeologist to the Will of D, this fanfic has it all. Yes, even the kitchen sink. T for cussing.
1. The Start

**Hello! *avoids flying objects* HEY! *narrowly avoids waffle* I've been so busy with random shiz! And I will update BW if I can connect where I am to my next plot point! WHICH IS- *gets mouth covered by my muse Memphis***

 _ **Memphis: NO SPOILERS!**_

 **Ugh fine.**

 **GDI DRAGONVALE WHY WON'T YOU LOAD!?**

 **R &R!**

* * *

Okay. This may sound weird. Or really crazy.

I became an honorary member to a pirate crew from another dimension. All because I saved one of them from a zoo, another from a swarm of mall police, tracked a third down in Walmart, a fourth in a holiday decorations store, yet another from doing anything incredibly stupid, housed them, and helped them build a dimensional transport in order to get home.

See?

Crazy.

My name's Ryou D. Justice. And no, I'm not a boy. Ryou is a girl's name. Just saying.

I was dancing around my kitchen, cooking myself lunch. My dad was out on assignment as a marine and my mom was… somewhere. She's always in a different place on business or something.

So, there I was, jamming out to We Are and cooking lunch simultaneously when I heard the thump and some muffled swearing. "Where am I? I lost the sh*tty ship and the others…" I held up my spatula towards the source of the noise, the stairs.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" I yelled, brandishing my cooking utensil like a sword. A blond man with a cigarette hopped off the stairs and looked at me.

I guess he couldn't tell that I'm a girl because he remarked, "Look kid. I don't have time to deal with you. Where am I and have you seen a pirate ship?"

I stared at his curly eyebrow. "Well, mister, that was rude. And no, I haven't seen a pirate ship. I'll ask you again. Who are you and what the heck are you doing in my house. If you don't give me a satisfactory answer, you will understand the saying 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'."

"… a woman scorned?" The man repeated slowly, as if he was processing it. "Wait… you're a girl?!"

"That's right, you intruder! Now you tell me who you are and WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN _**MY**_ KITCHEN?!" I yelled, temporarily returning my spatula-sword to its original form to shuffle egg bits around in a pan.

"My name's Sanji, and I'm not quite sure how I got here, miss. It seems my memory fails me-"

"If you try a cheesy pickup line, you will get kicked really hard where no man should be kicked." I cut him off. Sanji raised his visible eyebrow. "If you can't take the heat, stay out of my kitchen. I like spicing things up. I may be saucy and have pep-per in my step, but I'd never rub salt into a wound."

I responded to his eyebrow-raise before my brain processed what I had said. "Aw crud, not more bad puns! It's a curse, I tell you! A blessing and a curse. The name is Ryou. Ryou D. Justice." I splashed some vinegar into the rice I was cooking next to the egg bits. "Pass the salt, onion and garlic powders would you, Sanji?" Sanji walked behind me and stared at the two salts.

"Which salt?" Sanji asked, pointing to the two containers.

"Sea." I replied without looking up. "Onion and garlic powders are in… here." I tapped the cabinet with the spices with my foot. Sanji nodded and opened it, quickly finding and handing me the spices. "Thanks." I mumbled absentmindedly as I stirred the spices into yet another dish I was cooking.

I stole a glance at Sanji, thinking _'This couldn't be the_ _ **real**_ _Sanji, could it?'_. "So Sanji, I take it you're a pirate, am I right?" I asked, pulling the eggs and rice off the flame and setting them on the counter.

"How could you tell?" Sanji replied, clearly surprised. I laughed.

"Simple. I'm psychic. Put that disgusting thing out." I motioned blindly towards his cigarette.

"May I ask why?"

"Yet another simple answer. I have chronic asthma and do _not_ want to end up in the hospital for a _third time_ because of a **cigarette**." I sighed, turning around and turning the cooktop off, one hand on my waist as I gave him a once-over. "How do you expect to become a great chef if you keep smoking anyways? It ruins tastebuds. Also causes various lung diseases, cancer, rotten teeth, emphysema, and some other bad stuff."

"How could you tell I was a chef? It's not that obvious." Sanji asked, putting out the cigarette and tossing it out.

"What is with you and simple answers? Since you're a pirate, as I stated previously, you'd have to fight with other pirates. And since fighting takes a lot of strength, to build up that strength you'd need muscles. I then looked at your arms, but didn't see any prominent muscles. Thus you don't use your hands while fighting. However, when I asked for certain spices, you found them quickly despite all of the spices in the rack. So you would know what to look for from experience. Thus, I came to the conclusion that you're a chef." I took a deep breath and sighed. "I rambled, didn't I?"

"No, not at all." Sanji's fingers began drumming on his leg. "I was wondering… could you help me find my crew?"

"Sure." I replied plainly.

"I mean, you don't have to, I would totally understand if you don't want- wait. Sure?" Sanji chattered, looking at me.

"Uh huh. Pirates are cool, despite what everyone else says. My dad likes how free pirates can be, despite the fact he'd be fired if he said so at work." I pulled the other dish, which happened to be miso soup, off of the flame and spooned bit into my mouth. "Does this taste right to you?" I asked, pulling another spoon from the drawer behind me and handing it to Sanji.

He dipped the spoon into the soup and tasted it. "It needs a little more salt, at least that's my opinion."

"Kay." I snagged the salt and shook it twice, stirring the soup one last time before dumping it into a Tupperware. "I'll eat that later." I decided, popping everything else into Tupperware and sliding it into the fridge across the kitchen. "Can I grab my hat before we go?" I asked with puppy eyes aimed towards Sanji.

"Okay, but please don't take too long, my captain and crew mates have a knack for getting themselves in trouble." Sanji replied and I sprinted up the stairs to my room. I snatched my straw hat off of my bed, plopped it on my head, and slid down the banister back into the kitchen. "Ready!"

Sanji stared at my hat. "Where did you get that hat?" He asked slowly.

"Huh?" I asked back, reaching up to hold my hat. "This? My mom gave it to me as a kid. Why?" I replied.

"My captain has the same hat." Sanji replied and I smirked a little, but it had a sad feel to it.

"When my mom gave it to me, she told me that whoever wore this hat would grow up to do great things. I haven't done anything great yet, but it seems like your captain has." I explained with a nostalgic feeling. "Well, let's go, shall we?" I opened the door and Sanji paused mid-step. "Oh don't argue. Chivalry goes both ways." Sanji was about to step out the door before I realized something. "Wait. I think it'd be better if I went alone. That way, I wouldn't have to worry if we got separated."

"But-" Sanji started before he cut his train of thought off. "How would you know what my crew members look like?" He asked, tilting his head.

"Sanji. I'm psychic. Are you really asking that question? I probed your mind already. I know who I'm looking for." I replied, rolling my eyes. "Oh, forgot to introduce myself. The name's Ryou. Ryou D. Justice." I stepped out of the door and locked it behind me. I waved to Sanji and he smirked as I turned and headed to town.

What the frig I was getting myself into… I really had no idea. But was it worth it?

Heck yeah.

* * *

 **So. Here's a thing.**

 **Happy?**

 **... Does anyone even read these?**


	2. The Walmart Fiasco

**CRABS. I FORGOT THE DISCLAIMER. I DON'T OWN ONE PIECE. I DON'T OWN ONE PIECE.**

 **THERE. MADE UP FOR THE LAST CHAPPIE. I OWN RYOU... AND HER BRIEFLY MENTIONED DAD... AND MY OTHER OCS. GUESS WHO APPEARS THIS TIME?**

* * *

I popped an earbud in and tuned into one of the local news stations. "A strange person has been wandering around the city for hours now, but local authorities have lost sight of them near the Walmart. In unrelated news…" the announcer spoke into my ear. I pulled the earbud out and sighed.

"Guess I'm going to Walmart." I muttered and walked about a block east and stood in front of the automatic door. "Well, here goes."

The door slid open and I stepped into the freezing cold store. I walked through isle after isle, section after section, department by department; catching glimpses of green as I peered through boxes upon boxes of cereal and two-pocket folders. "Gods dangit. It's gonna be a long day if it is who I think it is." I groaned.

After an hour of trying to pursue my target, I gave up and plopped down in one of the chairs at the Dunkin Donuts in the Walmart, bought a Boston Cream, and waited for about five minutes. "This is gonna get me nowhere." I mumbled to myself as I stood up, half-eaten donut in hand and marched myself over to the Customer Service desk.

"Can I help you?" The person at the desk asked in a bored tone.

"Can I use the mic for a sec? My friend keeps getting lost in here." I fibbed and the person shrugged. "This is the on switch, right?" I asked and flipped it anyways. A static screech shot through the air and I winced. "Will Roronoa Zoro please report to the Customer Service Desk? Will Roronoa Zoro please report to the Customer Service Desk?" I announced, waiting a few long moments.

"Ugh, desperate measures." I sighed and pulled out my phone. "Where is it… it's here somewhere… aha!" I typed something into my phone and put it up to the mic.

"OH MY GOD THERE'S A CRAZY MAN WITH THREE SWORDS!" A woman's voice screamed in terror out of my phone. Thank you app-thingies-that-say-what-you-type-in-different-voices.

The three fat Walmart cops who were lounging in the Dunkin Donuts leapt to their feet. When I say _leapt,_ I mean _rolled_. They 'ran' (waddled) as quickly as they could to find the swordsman in the Women's section. How he got there, the world may never know.

"What the h*ll's with these fat guys?! Are they Marines or something?!" Zoro yelled, running away from the cops who were hitting him with… bras? Huh. Never thought I'd ever see the infamous pirate hunter get hit with feminine undergarments.

"Yo! Zoro! Come with me if you don't want to be hit by any more bras!" I yelled, holding up a Nerf gun. "Duck!"

"Wha?" He asked before I fired the clip at the fat, pathetic excuses for cops. "YOU ALMOST SHOT ME!" The greenet yelled angrily before I took a look at the cops. They looked like really fat humanoid hedgehogs with orange spikes.

"Get… _huff… puff…_ back… _wheeze…_ here!" One of the cops breathed. I ran up and knocked him into the other two cops, sending them rolling into the back of the store.

"Woohoo!" I laughed, dancing in circles around Zoro and holding onto my hat. "Come on Zoro, I'm going to take you somewhere safe." The swordsman glared at me.

"And I should trust you… why?" He asked. "You almost shot me in the head."

"Puh-leeze. Those were foam. They don't do damage unless you get shot in, like, the eye or something. 'Sides, Sanji trusts me." With a flash, the Wado Ichimonji was at my throat.

"How do you know that b*stard cook?! Where is he and the rest of the crew?!" Zoro demanded. I gulped, swords at throats are scary… and cold.

"He's at my house! I don't know where the others are! He just appeared there! I know about a whole lot of things about the Straw Hats! Don't kill me!" I squeaked, putting my hands up in surrender.

"And how much do you know?!" The swordsman growled. I squeaked.

"Kuina!" As soon as the name left my lips, Zoro's eyes widened. "Kuina was your childhood friend and rival and she wanted to be the best swordsman, er swordswoman, in the world, but she had an accident and you took up the dream for her sake!" I yelped and Zoro resheathed the Wado Ichimonji. Oh my gods, I thought I was gonna die.

"Take me to the d*mn cook." He ordered gruffly.

"On one condition." I can't believe that I had the gumption for what I said. "I want an apology. For holding me at sword point."

"Tch." The greenet looked away from me, embarrassment and annoyance in his eyes. " _I'm sorry._ " He whispered.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you." I leaned in closer.

"I SAID I'M SORRY, DAMMIT!" Zoro yelled, causing me to shrink back.

"Let's go then." I suggested and grabbed his wrist. "I am not letting go or else you'll somehow end up in Kentucky." Zoro gave me a quizzical look. "Nevermind."

We made it back to my house after several wrong turns and a potato pie. Where the potato pie came from, I have absolutely no idea. It might have been from Mrs. Green's or Whole Foods.

As soon as I opened the door… "YOU SH*TTY MARIMO!"

Long day indeed.

* * *

 **If you guessed Zoro, you were** **right!**

 **The potato pie actually came from autocorrect... it was supposed to say pit stop...**

 **Guess who's next!**


	3. A Battle of Tales!

**Sorry about taking forever to do this, I got distracted by My Drunk Kitchen... BOO BOOP.**

 **Who is it this time?**

 **The world may never know... Okay that is such a lie. XD HINTS. Suggestions on who should be in this?**

 **I was thinking Smoker maybe...**

 **Oh warning. Those of you who are extremely religious: be warned. The Devil was summoned in this chapter.**

 **YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF I DON'T OWN ONE PIECE... OR BAMBI... OR TAC NAYN... OR LEELA FROM DOCTOR WHO (SHE WAS THE BASE FOR HAMMERHEAD SHARK LADY).**

 **I DO HOWEVER CO-OWN THE BABY SATAN, HAMMERHEAD SHARK LADY AND THE HEAT-SEEKING BUTT MISSILES. I OWN RYOU.**

* * *

The Legend of Baby Satan, Stereotypical Hades, Bambi, Hammerhead Shark Lady and the Heat-Seeking Butt Missiles Versus the Giant Frigging Goldfish!

 **Aka a Battle of Tales!**

The next day, I hopped out of bed to find Sanji cooking and Zoro meditating on the kitchen floor. "Ah, good morning Ryou-chan~ I started making breakfast." Sanji remarked, flipping a pancake.

I stared at the blond. He was using my kitchen. My stove, my pans, even my kitchen sink. I felt suddenly protective of my space. I was about to start yelling at Sanji when I realized he wasn't wearing an apron. "Sanji. Why are you not wearing an apron?" I asked with subtle anger.

"Huh? I usually don't. Why?" The aforementioned chef replied. I grabbed my apron and slipped it over his head, tying it around his back.

"Well, in my household, if you cook, you wear the apron. So, are you going to keep wearing it?" I whispered in his ear. I chuckled as Sanji turned red in embarrassment.

"Oy d*mn Curly-brow. Is the food ready yet... WHAT THE H*LL ARE YOU WEARING?!" Zoro yelled, cracking up at the sight of the frilly pink apron I put Sanji in.

"Ryou-chan's apron! Don't you make fun of it, you sh*tty Marimo!" Sanji yelled back, plopping the pancakes onto a plate.

"Ah, Sanji, I won't be eating just yet." I exclaimed. "I'll save mine for later." Sanji looked somewhat concerned. Zoro just looked like I was crazy. "Oh, don't give me that look. I eat when I'm hungry, and I'm usually not hungry in the morning."

"Not… hungry? You are so unlike Luffy, it's crazy." Zoro… I guess he grumbled?… grumbled.

"Luffy… ah, right. Your captain with the hat." I muttered to myself.

"How did you know that?" Zoro asked, and I tutted. Tutted, huh. Is that even a word?

"Simple, green bean. I'm _psychic_ … and also probably psycho… huh. I never thought about that. A psycho psychic. A psychic psycho? Is there even a difference?" I answered before asking myself the question. I shook my head quickly. "Gah, I got distracted again. Anyways, I'm going out. Maybe one of these days, I'll trust you guys enough to come with. See ya laters, alligators."

And with that, I grabbed my coat and hat, and left.

Where was I going?

The park.

Why?

I had a feeling.

A feeling a certain pirate was there.

* * *

It took me about fifteen minutes to walk to the park, not bad considering it is about two miles to get there. I spotted a fairly large group of kids, maybe eleven or so seven-ish year olds, all sitting around the big rock pile I took to calling 'Zeus's Fist' after becoming obsessed with the Percy Jackson Series.

And on that rock pile, stood none other than…

Usopp.

I chuckled and strolled over to Zeus' Fist, plopping down amongst the kids. "And there I was, eye to eye with the biggest monster I had ever seen… its fins were the size of three houses, its eyes… the size of fifty cannonballs each! This terrifying beast was called the Island Eater, and when it ate an island, it pooped… and it looked like an island! I took my trusty slingshot that I used to take down a bounty hunter after me, and got rid of the monster with one shot!" Usopp was telling the kids, who were deeply enthralled in his story.

I knew it was only _partially_ true, and I snickered. "What's so funny, commoner? Are you mocking the great Captain Usopp?!" He accused, pointing his finger in my direction.

"Oh it's nothing, continue on with your story. But it pales in comparison to the time I went to the island of London." That caught the kids attention.

"Ryou!" The kids gasped, and I found myself drowning in children, unable to escape the dogpile.

"Gah! Hey guys, kinda getting squished! I won't tell you if you don't get off!" I yelped, and the kids immediately rolled off and went back to their seats.

"That's so much better. Usopp, was it?" I asked, turning to the sniper.

"Yeah, who wants to know?" He replied, crossing his arms.

"Ryou D. Justice, the town's best storyteller. Anyways, sit down and listen as my tale trumps yours." Usopp huffed, but complied. "Let the battle of tales begin."

"So, after a five hour journey, there I was… watching the battle of the century! A lady that looked like a cavewoman fused with a hammerhead shark, Hammerhead Shark Lady, started running towards the combined forces of an evil waffle cat known to all as Tac Nayn, a mysterious goth necromancer called Stereotypical Hades, and the devilish mastermind that was none other than… Baby Satan… with no other than the deer, Bambi, at her side!" I wove my tale, capturing the attentions of the children and Usopp.

"I leapt onto Bambi's back and held up my mighty Pole of Destruction, and together we defeated Stereotypical Hades after a long battle. However, Stereotypical Hades used his black magic on Bambi, turning the deer into nothing but a plastic figurine. Figurine Bambi was lost during the following battle where Hammerhead Shark Lady dodged Tac Nayn's vicious attacks… before he unleashed the finishing blow…" I paused for dramatic effect, and the listeners leaned in closer.

"The Heat-Seeking Butt Missiles!"

The kids gasped before bursting into laughter. I feigned shock.

"Those are no laughing matter! Hammerhead Shark Lady slapped Tac Nayn just as she was hit in the back by the last Heat-Seeking Butt Missile, and they took each other out. That left only one warrior on each side… Baby Satan and none other than yours truly. We stood in the grassy plain of Hilton, I with my Pole of Destruction and Baby Satan with his Pacifier of the Apocalypse, wreathed in blue flames. I only had two options… fight or flight. And I knew what I had to do." I breathed in deeply.

"'Wahh wahh wahh, are you giving up?' Baby Satan laughed, wiggling his hands. 'Never!' I cried out, throwing down a pentagram of twigs. 'I sacrifice this half of a tomato slice and two blobs of chocolate cake to summon the ultimate evil! Come forth from the pits of Gehenna, Satan!' And with the last of my energy, I commanded Satan to attack his evil child."

The kids gasped and Usopp gasped with them. "There's no way that happened! That has to be a lie!" He yelped.

"Really?" I asked, raising my eyebrows smugly. "I have proof it happened."

"About a month after the battle, I took my friend who witnessed the battle to a gathering known as Comicon. There, we found none other than… Figurine Bambi!" I exclaimed as I held up a picture of the Bambi Pop Sculpture-Thingy. Usopp gasped. Gods dangit, there's a lot of gasping going on.

"Your tale may have beaten mine this time, but next time I'll win for sure!" Usopp yelled, determined. I chuckled.

"Oh yeah, Usopp, I'm holding a gathering of the Straw Hat Pirates, and you are cordially invited. Sanji and Zoro have already accepted. So, would you like to fend for yourself out here and avoid getting eaten by bears, coyotes, and/or stray cats, or come with and join up with your buddies?" I remembered what I had to do at that moment.

"Bears?!" The sniper squeaked, going into his famous freak-out pose. I started walking away, and I heard "WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!" as Usopp sprinted up behind me.

"Bye guys! See you next time!" I called over my shoulder to the kids.

"So, you're Ryou, right?" Usopp asked and I nodded. "Where exactly are we?"

"Ah, all your questions will be answered once I gather the rest of your crew, sniper." I answered and Usopp stopped mid-stride.

"How did you know?" He asked condescendingly. Was that the right word?

I looked over my shoulder. "Why, it's rather simple. I'm not just a storyteller, I'm a psychic. I know all about the Straw Hats, who they are, what they did, their pasts for the most part, and what's going to happen to them in different points in time." I took a deep breath. "Let's get going."

It turns out we spent all morning and afternoon at the park…

I ended up eating the pancake, though.

And hot dang, Sanji's food is frigging amazing.

I tucked in early, just about to get into bed when I realized…

Where's Natsume?

* * *

 **Who is this Mysterious Natsume character?**

 **Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z...**

 **GODS DANGIT I FORGOT A QUOTATION MARK.**


	4. All You Can MEAT Buffet!

**HELLO! I'm trying to update this at least once every two weeks. Is that reasonable? Leave a review to guess who's next!**

 **EXCEPT HAVARTI.**

 **BECAUSE YER A MOOCHER.**

 **I-YAY ON'T-DAY OWN-YAY ONE-WAY IECE-PAY.**

* * *

All You Can _Meat_ Buffet!

I woke up the next morning early, headed downstairs, and found Sanji sleeping on one couch, Zoro in the recliner, and Usopp on the other couch. I headed back up the stairs and grabbed three blankets from the hall closet, sneaking back downstairs and placing the blankets down on the coffee table.

I unfolded the pink one and draped it on Zoro, the swordsman shifted slightly under its weight. One of his eyes opened slightly and he looked at me in a daze, but he fell back to sleep.

The next blanket to unfold ended up on Usopp, its yellowness embracing the sniper. He rolled over onto his stomach, muttering about 'The Great Captain Usopp and his 80,000 men' And, to my surprise, Kaya. Awww, I ship them so hard.

The last blanket to go on was the blue one, gently hugging the chef. ' _Oh my gods, he looks so innocent like that._ ' I thought, smiling softly. I ruffled Sanji's hair lightly and began deciding what to cook.

I heard signs of life about 30 or so minutes later. "Ryou? When did you get up?" Usopp asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Huh? About an hour ago?" I replied over my shoulder, reaching for the chopped bell peppers that I had set by the cooktop. My arm came just an inch away from the prize. I slapped furiously at the peppers, unable to reach them. They slid towards my hand, and I looked up to find a smiling Usopp. "Thanks. I would have asked what you guys wanted, but you were all sleeping so quietly… well, you were muttering about 'the Great Captain Usopp', his '80,000 men', and a girl named Kaya."

Usopp flushed red. "Don't tell anyone about that!" He pointed his finger in my face.

I chuckled. "Yeah, sure." I finished making the omelette I was making, plopped it onto a plate, and put them (as I had made the other three previously) on the kitchen table. "Hey, Usopp, could you do me a flavor? No… more puns..." I pondered, cursing under my breath for the pun.

"Sure, what's up?" Usopp replied, leaning against the counter.

"In the fridge, bottom shelf… no wait. Cupboard to the right of the fridge, grab four cups." The sniper set four cups on the counter. "Fridge bottom shelf, right side. Orange juice, pineapple juice, raspberry lemonade, and limeade. Thanks." I instructed, turning and grabbing one of my pitchers from a different cabinet.

I set to work, mixing all four juices together and pouring them into the cups. "Usopp, one last thing? Scream the marines are attacking." I snickered with my phone in hand. Usopp looked at me curiously, then to my phone, then to his sleeping crewmates.

"THE MARINES ARE ATTACKING!" The sniper yelled and the two other pirates jumped awake, getting into fighting stances.

"What? Where are they?" Zoro and Sanji asked simultaneously, looking around before setting their gazes on Usopp. "Usopp, you are so dead."

Just as the two were about to strike their crewmate, I grabbed a pan and hit it with a spatula. "Hey! Settle down! I do not condone violence in my household. Zoro, swords away. Sanji, no kicking. Breakfast is served." I exclaimed, uncovering the omelettes on the table. "Bon apetit."

Sanji and Zoro looked amazed. "Ah, Ryou-chan~! You didn't have to do this!" Sanji cooed.

Zoro just muttered a 'Thanks.'

"Sanji, I _like_ cooking. It gives me a purpose. If I hadn't learned to cook, where would I be? Eating instant ramen for eternity. Although, Papa banned me from the stove once… and that was not fun… I will never eat a raw potato again..." I shuddered at the thought. "Anyways, the past is just that. The past." I dropped my eyes to my half-eaten omelette, my appetite diminishing.

I guess that the guys noticed the mood change, huh… they weren't meatheads after all, and Sanji spoke up. "You should finish that before it gets cold, Ryou-chan." Usopp stood up and walked over to the drawer on the right of the fridge, peering inside.

"Hey! Ryou!" He called, and I half-heartedly turned to look at the sniper, only to fall out of my chair laughing. Usopp had found the chopsticks.

And, holy chips, did that look funnier up close.

So funny in fact, that my laughter actually triggered my asthma.

Hooray.

In under a minute, my eyes were watering and it was getting rather hard to breathe. Luckily, I kept my inhaler in my pocket at pretty much all times.

As the boys were freaking out, I managed to administer the medicine and I resumed breathing mostly normally. "Well, that… puff... was certainly… huff... unpleasant." I wheezed.

"Kid? Are you alright?" Zoro asked, sitting down next to me. Wow. The grouchy swordsman actually cares. Shocking.

"Huff… Yeah, I'll… wheeze… be fine in a… cough… minute." I lowered myself onto my back to ease my breathing. I took a few deep breaths and my breathing returned to normal.

"YOU IDIOT! RYOU-CHAN HAS CHRONIC ASTHMA! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE!" Sanji yelled, bringing his leg up to kick Usopp in the head when…

"Sanji, wait. He didn't know." I grabbed onto Sanji's ankle and he stopped. "It wasn't bad. I've had worse attacks, I actually fainted during a big test at school because I couldn't get enough oxygen. Needless to say, I didn't have to take the midterm. Stupid Mrs. Johnson and her stupid lavender perfume..." I grumbled as I got off of the floor, dusted myself off, and plopped myself into my chair. I stabbed the omelette and continued eating.

"I'm sorry, Ryou." Usopp apologized and I flicked him in the forehead.

"Ah, save it. Finish your omelette or I'll get cross." The sharpshooter smiled and continued eating his omelette.

The other two guys looked at me and finished their meals. As I was putting the dishes in the sink, I began humming Bink's Sake out of habit. The pirates looked at each other knowingly, unbeknownst to me."Well, boys, I'm off. I will see you later." I grabbed my hat and my inhaler, and left.

"Bye, Ryou-chan~!" Sanji called after me. I turned back and waved.

I popped my earbuds in again and began going through radio stations. "-there is an eating contest at the park today from ten to two…" the announcer… announced.

"Well, I guess I'm going there." I muttered to myself, shoving my hands into my pocket.

It took my half an hour to get to the park, I had to stop and catch my breath this time. When I got there, the contest was already underway. And there in the middle, with three steaks in his mouth, was Luffy.

"Luffy!" I called over the cheering crowd. "Monkey D. Luffy!"

"Hm?" He mumbled as I pushed through the crowd. And a couple of people sneezed directly in my face. Wonderful.

"I have something to tell you!"

"Eh?"

Luffy won with a staggering fifty three steaks eaten. I cheered as he _actually_ shoved twelve of them in his mouth at once, enabling his rubber powers to stretch his cheeks.

I then approached the guy after the contest ended. "Hey, Luffy. Get your butt in **gear** , we need to go." I exclaimed.

"You have to catch me first!" Luffy laughed and started running around the park.

I speed-walked after him, to which he sped up, so I ended up jogging. I snagged his hat off his head lightly, and without him noticing, put it on my head and stopped running. I stifled a couple of coughs as the oblivious pirate sped around the park. "Huh? Where's my hat?!" Luffy yelled, and spun around to find me sitting on one of the benches, trying to steady my breathing. "HEY! GIVE ME BACK MY HAT!"

"Sure, if you… can guess which one… is yours." I set both hats on the bench and Luffy's gaze zoned in on the one on the left, which was, in fact, his hat.

"This one." He stated matter-of-factly, picking it up and dropping it on his tousled hair.

"How'd you know?" I wondered aloud, leaning back over the edge of the bench.

Luffy gazed into my eyes.

"Instinct."

I looked up at him. "I'd call it something else. The Will of D, perhaps." I muttered, standing up and stretching. "Well, a few of your crew members are at my house. Come with?" I explained, and Luffy looked at me oddly.

"Did you kidnap them?!" He shouted, jaw dropping.

I laughed. "No, not at all, I'm just providing a place to stay. So, you wanna come?"

"Sure."

It took 35 minutes to get back home, due to the chase around the park that completely winded me.

"Sanji! Zoro! Usopp! I'm here with a certain Monkey D. Luffy!" I called out as I walked through the door, stifling another cough.

"Ryou-chan~! Are you feeling better?" Sanji noticed my failed attempt to stifle yet another cough.

"Yeah, kff… this meatsack made me chase him around the park. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"LUFFY, I'LL KILL YOU!" Sanji yelled, and started chasing the oblivious Straw Hat around the kitchen.

"Oi, kid. Where are your parents?" Zoro asked and I tensed up.

"Dad's away for work like usual… I haven't seen Natsume in a while… and Mom…" I bit my lip. ' _I'm not gonna cry. I will not cry. Crying is for small children and babies. I am neither of those.'_ I thought firmly. "I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

As I ascended the stairs, a lone tear slipped down my cheek.

* * *

 **BAM. DRAMA.**

 **I GAVE A HINT TO WHO NATSUME IS.**

 **WHERE'S RYOU'S MOM?**

 **WHAT DOES RYOU'S DAD DO FOR WORK?**

 **WHO'S NEXT?**

 **WILL MY QUESTIONS GET ANSWERED IN REVIEWS?**

 _ **FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z...**_

 **WAIT. THAT JOKE'S GONNA GET OLD FAST...**

 **SOMEONE THINK OF A JOKE.**


	5. I'm at The Zoo!

**Hello! OMG MY FAVORITE STRAW HAT APPEARS THIS CHAPPIE! I freaking _hate_ Sabo. If you want to know why, PM me.**

 **Je ne possède pas le One Piece.**

 **I'm hungry... GIVE ME MEAT.**

 **If you get my reference, leave it in a review!**

* * *

I'm at the Zoo!

The next morning, I found that my breathing was shallow. "Aw, crud, please don't make me chase people today…" I grumbled, throwing my brown jacket on, grabbing my hat, and sliding down the banister. "Usopp, sound the alarm!" I whisper-yelled.

"THE MARINES ARE ATTACKING!" Usopp screamed, and the three other pirates jumped up.

"DAMMIT! WE FELL FOR IT AGAIN!" Zoro yelled angrily, resheathing the Wado Ichimonji.

"I've consulted my psychic powers, and Zoro, we're going to the zoo. I have found you worthy to accompany me on this quest." I announced.

Sanji looked appalled. "You trust this sh*tty marimo more than me?" He asked, going into Tamaki's emo corner.

"Sanji, I know what'll make you feel better about it." I rummaged under the center island in one of the cabinets and pulled something out. "Boo boop!" I giggled and plopped the chef hat on Sanji's head.

"Ryou-chan~! You're so thoughtful!" The blond wiggled.

"You can _borrow_ it." I remarked and Sanji started cooking almost immediately, throwing the apron on.

We ate breakfast as quietly as one could with the Straw Hats, peals of laughter and crazy stories filling the air.

"Well Zoro, we should get going. The zoo closes in a few hours." Zoro nodded and stood.

"See you guys in a few hours. I have a feeling another crew member will be _very_ happy to come back." I called, waving to the pirates that were being left behind. Little did I know, I left my inhaler on the counter.

That was going to be a problem, wasn't it?

We walked all the way to the zoo, a forty-five minute trip taking almost an hour because my breathing got even more shallow than it was earlier this morning. The cool air wasn't helping any, anyways.

"Zoro, keep your eyes on me. I can't have you getting lost. If we do get separated, take this and push 1 and then the Send button. If you hear me asking where you are, don't move and tell me where you are. I'll come to you." I instructed, handing him the 'Emergency Phone'.

"Sure, kid." Zoro affirmed. I grabbed his wrist and we headed around the zoo, trying to find our destination. We found our way into a crowd, and I lost my grip on Zoro's wrist. "Kid!" He called, looking around.

"Zoro!" I yelled, trying to push against the flow of people.

But he was gone.

-With Zoro-

The green-haired swordsman wandered around the zoo, trying to locate Ryou or one of his crewmates. "Damn, I lost the kid... Where the hell am I?" The santoryu user looked up and found himself in the lion cage. "Huh."

Zoro cut the lock on the cage and walked out, leaving the door ajar.

He wandered around for a while, asking people where he was every few minutes. Little did the marimo know, he left the emergency phone in the cage with the lions.

~With Ryou~

I made my way through the crowd to the front, wondering what the commotion was about. I called the emergency phone I gave to Zoro, and didn't get an answer. ' _Why isn't he answering? Did he lose it?'_ I wondered, muttering 'Pick up… pick up…" under my breath.

"Did you hear? The zoo just got a reindeer!" Some member of the crowd told another.

"Reindeer? Really?" The other person asked and I went wide-eyed.

"Yeah, they say it's the anti-Rudolph because it's nose is blue!" Another person exclaimed.

Oh dear gods, help us all.

"Hey, do you know where the reindeer is?" I asked and the people pointed ahead.

"Take the next left and then a right."

"Thanks." And with that, I wormed back out of the crowd and speed-walked to the 'new exhibit'.

I wormed my way to the front of the new crowd in front of the enclosure and pressed myself against the glass. There, hiding the wrong way behind a rock, was Chopper in his Walk Point. I tapped on the glass once, and got no response. I tapped harder and he looked at me. I tapped my hat and his eyes widened. He cautiously trotted over and pushed his face against the glass. "Hi Chopper, I'm Ryou. Can you hear me?" I smiled, and Chopper nodded. "That's good. I came here to get you, and I brought Zoro with me." Chopper tilted his head, and I chuckled, although my breathing got even weaker. "That moron got lost. But don't worry, we'll get you out of here." The doctor nodded. I had to stifle a few coughs and Chopper looked worried. "I'm alright, Chopper. I'm alright." I assured the reindeer.

Someone screamed. "THE LIONS ESCAPED! EVERYBODY RUN!" A loud roar followed.

The entire crowd ran like their lives depended on it. Which, for once, they did. The lions, however completely ignored the fleeing crowd and stalked closer to me. I hadn't run, partially because I was trying to breathe properly, the rest being I am most certainly not faster than a lion and would die anyways. "ZORO!" I yelled, instantly regretting it as the action caused me to suppress even more coughs.

"Oi! Kid! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He yelled, knocking the nearest lion unconscious with a sheathed Onigiri. "Oi! Chopper! Can't you break the glass?!" He asked loudly, dodging a lion that pounced at him.

"No, it's too thick!" Chopper yelled back, transforming into Brain Point.

"Ch...cough… Chopper, the ceiling is… cough… weaker than the glass. You can… cough… break that and jump… cough… out." I advised, coughs cutting me off every few words.

Chopper nodded, pulled a Rumble Ball out of nowhere, and transformed into Jump Point. The doctor of the Straw Hats kicked through the ceiling of the enclosure and landed next to me with a soft thud. "Thanks Ryou."

"No… cough… problem." I replied, swaying slightly as I took a fighting stance. Chopper stared at me with a concerned look, but I brushed it off. I gazed directly into the closest lion's eyes. "Get at… cough… me bro." I smirked, and it pounced at me.

I, surprisingly, moved fast enough to dodge it and launch an attack of my own. "Extreme Jab, straight, uppercut!" I shouted as I executed the moves, actually knocking the lion out. "Holy guacamole, I just punched out a lion." I muttered as I stepped back, leaning up against the glass wall of the enclosure.

Within a few moments and me punching out another lion, the battle was over. I slid down the glass barrier and found that I was having a really hard time breathing. I tried taking a breath, but I couldn't inhale, leading to me hacking and trying to breathe. My eyes were watering and I started feeling lightheaded. "Ryou? What's wrong? Can you talk?" Chopper asked hurriedly, morphing back into Brain Point and rushing to my side. I shook my head as I was coughing, and Zoro ran over.

"Kid, where's your breathing thing?" He asked, and I felt for it in my pocket.

"Left… home…" I choked out as my vision began to blur. I felt my body swaying and hitting the pavement as my vision blacked out and the two pirates called out my name.

* * *

 **SUSPENSEFUL LINE BREAK! DUN DUN DUUUN!**

* * *

Third POV

The green haired swordsman lifted his unconscious… he'd assumed she's his ally… into his arms bridal style. "Chopper, come on. She has this thing that helps her breathe. I think she left it at her place." Zoro recalled, and the reindeer morphed into his Walk Point.

"Zoro, Ryou needs medical attention now! She needs that thing!" Chopper yelled and Zoro nodded.

The two raced towards the exit, dodging the scattered crowds. The forty-five minute walk to Ryou's house took only twenty minutes at top speed. The pirates made it to the front door, only to find it locked.

Usopp, who happened to be walking past said door, spotted Zoro holding Ryou, who was limp in the swordsman's arms. The sharpshooter opened the door and made way for Zoro and Chopper. "Zoro! Where's the thing?" Chopper asked, morphing into Heavy Point.

"On the counter!" Zoro called back, setting Ryou on the couch. Chopper grabbed the inhaler off of the counter and was at the brunette's side in a flash.

Ryou's POV

My green eyes fluttered open and I groaned. "What… happened?" I wondered aloud, looking blearily around. My breathing felt normal, and I found myself lying on the couch. I was about to prop myself up when I heard a familiar voice.

"You shouldn't get up yet. Your body is still weak from a lack of oxygen." Chopper warned, hiding the wrong way behind the coffee table.

I brushed my purple dip-dyed hair out of my face and stared in awe at the little reindeer. "You… You're a-"

Chopper tensed.

I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was thinking I was going to call him a monster.

He _couldn't_ be more wrong.

"Adorable!" I squealed quietly, reaching out in an attempt to hold him.

"Shut up! What you say doesn't make me happy!" Chopper yelled before noodling. "I'm just being silly, don't mind me."

"RYOU-CHAN~!" Sanji yelled, rushing over. "How are you feeling? You scared us all so much!" He fussed, and I chuckled lightly.

"I'm fine. Heck, I scared myself too. I left my inhaler here this morning, and holy guacamole, that was a freaking huge mistake." I yawned, wondering exactly how much medicine I was dosed with. "How long was I out… yawn… and how much medicine did I get?" I felt my eyelids growing heavy.

"You were out for about three hours, and that thing got pumped three times." Chopper replied, handing me my inhaler.

"One pump… yawn… would've been enough… Now I'm drowsy from the stuff… G'night..." I mumbled, falling asleep right then and there.

My life was thrown upside down…

And I loved it.


	6. Awesome Special Chappie Excitement!

DISCLAIMER. I DON'T OWN ONE PIECE. I DON'T OWN THE SONG. S. PLURAL. OR THE GROCERY STORE.

TECHNICALLY I DON'T OWN RAN OR NATSUME. THEY ARE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE AND I DON'T OWN SAID PEOPLE.

I'M A SOCIAL DISGRACE. CHRISTMAS SONGS BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

 **So, now that's out of the way... WHY DOESN'T FFN HAVE STRIKETHROUGH. THE FUDGE?!**

 **Anyways, I'm hungry, and you lovely people have a new chappie.**

 **Leave who you want to see in the reviews!**

 **OH. I'M GONNA PUT UP A NEW OP FANFIC. JUST SAYING. EXPECT IT.**

* * *

Awesome Special Chappie Excitement!

I woke up (refreshed) the next morning to find Chopper sleeping/leaning on the edge of the couch, little guy looked exhausted.

Was he keeping an eye on me for most of the night?

The answer, I found out later, was yes. Yes he was.

I lifted the little reindeer and placed him on the couch as I got up, headed to my room, took a shower, got dressed for the day, and started making breakfast as soon as I got back downstairs.

" _Binkusu no sake wo~ Todoke ni yuku yo~_ " I sang quietly, pouring myself a bowl of Corn Pops. What? Gotta have my Pops! I looked in the fridge for milk or something else to drink when I realized something.

Luffy had eaten most of my food.

I had to go grocery shopping.

Danmit.

Yes. I said dan-mit. New swear. Use it.

I slid into my chair sullenly… I hated having to go shopping. Don't get me wrong, I love food and all aspects of it, but I had to interact with people in a relatively cold building; and that is what I hated about shopping for food.

All this moping was giving me a headache… or was that because the people at the eating contest sneezed in my face? Oh dear gods, don't let me get sick.

After I had finished my simple breakfast, the others, aside from Zoro, had woken up. I groaned. "Ryou-chan~? Is there something wrong? Are you feeling alright?" Sanji asked, coming over and standing next to me.

"Yes and not really…" I sighed and Chopper was at my side almost instantly, about to give me a check-up when I held up my hand and made a whining noise. I draped myself over the edge of my chair, and sighed melodramatically. "Shopping."

Usopp looked confused. "Shopping? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Bottomless pit consumed all appropriate forms of nourishment." I pointed at Luffy, who happened to be picking his nose. "Who's coming with?" I sat up and looked to the pirates.

"I'll go Ryou-chan~!" Sanji volunteered.

"As much as I'd like to, I can't trust you at the grocery store. Of what I know of you, you'll flirt with all the women there and rudely criticize the guys." I remarked, and Sanji once again, found himself in Tamaki's emo corner.

"I wanna go! There's meat there!" Luffy cheered.

"That in itself is why you are most certainly _not_ going." I deadpanned and Luffy deflated a bit.

"Can I come?" Usopp asked and I shook my head.

"I need you to watch the guys. Can you do that for me?" I asked and the sniper nodded.

"Zoro, you can't do directions, as was demonstrated yesterday, so you can't come. Luffy, you are a bottomless pit, so _you_ can't come. Sanji, as much as I want to trust him, I can't because of previously stated reasons. So… Chopper, would you accompany me to the grocery store?" I explained, turning to the small reindeer.

"Won't everyone there think I'm a freak?" Chopper asked and I laughed. "What's so funny?"

"In this town, a talking reindeer is _nothing_ to bat an eye at. Okay, maybe it is… huh. But two years ago, a girl I know ran through the town wearing a rubber horse head. My neighbor drove onto her lawn the other day. I used to collect frogs and…" I trailed off, the thought of bringing up my past causing a lump in my throat. "And some other crazy stuff happened… anyways. Chopper, I have something to make you inconspicuous just in case. I'll just go get it." I stood up and headed to my closet.

I wiped a tear from my eye as I rifled through my pile of bags. _'Why did I have to start thinking about it?'_ I sank to my knees and quietly started crying. After about a minute of feeling sorry for myself, I stood back up, wiped away my tears, grabbed the bag and headed back downstairs; humming We Are in an attempt to cheer myself up.

I strapped the bag on my front and bent to lift up Chopper. "Up we go!" I exclaimed as I lifted him and placed him into the bag. "Comfy?"

Chopper nodded. "This is really soft!" I smiled at the reindeer's cuteness.

"See y'all later!" I called as I exited the house.

* * *

About a quarter of the way there… "Hey, Ryou?"

"Hm?" I looked down at the little reindeer I was toting around.

"Do you think I'm a freak?"

I almost stopped walking. "No! Why on earth would you think that?!" I exclaimed, shocked.

"Because I'm a human reindeer and I have a blue nose!" I could feel the small doctor trembling.

I promptly sat down and took off the bag, staring Chopper in the eye. "Tony Tony Chopper, you are **not** a freak! You are a courageous, caring, intelligent, funny, sweet, understanding person with a strong sense of right and wrong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!" I started, shaking my finger at him. "And besides that, 95% of the time, I forget you have a blue nose!"

Chopper stared at me in awe.

"Before we continue, let me tell you a story that I think applies to you perfectly. Although, it's better as a song." I cleared my throat and began.

 _"You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?'_

 _'Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.'_

 _'Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say (Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?). Then how the reindeer loved him and they shouted out with glee, (Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history!)."_ I stopped and stared at Chopper, whose eyes were glittering.

"You see, Chopper, you are amazing. Heck, out of every Straw Hat Pirate member, _**you**_ are my favorite! Don't let anyone put you down! If they do, I'll tell 'em who's boss. Deal, li'l man?" I held out my hand and he shook it tearfully.

"Thank you, Ryou! Thank you!"

"Ah, no problem kiddo. Wait. I can't call you kiddo. We're the same age… that's so weird to think about!" I started laughing out of nowhere. "We're the same age!" I choked out through my giggles. I rolled onto my back and started howling with laughter. Chopper looked somewhat confused and frightened by my outburst, and took a few steps backwards.

"Okay, okay, phew! I'm good. I'm good. Breathing is good. Calm is good." I told myself as I tried to stop my psychotic laughter. "Okay, I probably just killed the moment… whatever."

"Are you okay?" Chopper asked hesitantly, taking a cautious step forwards.

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine. Except I'm somewhat crazy, it's all good." I replied, putting the bag-satchel-carrier-thing back on. "So, shall we go?" I asked, looking down at Chopper, who nodded.

Once we arrived, I noticed the grocery store was rather empty. I grabbed a cart, and began pushing it down the produce aisle. I took off the satchel and Chopper wriggled out of it. Chopper gave me suggestions on what to buy and I picked up everything on the list. The whole trip took about twenty minutes, give or take. "Chopper, I'm gonna go check if I got everything I needed in produce. I'll be right back." I told the aforementioned reindeer and he nodded.

As I walked down the aisle, I began shivering. ' _Frig, it's freezing in here. Why didn't I notice this before?'_ I thought, feeling a headache coming on. I quietly groaned in realization. It takes two to three days for the common cold to come into effect, and when did I get sneezed on? Two days ago. I hugged my jacket around me, trying to stop shivering.

I continued walking, stopping to look at some peppers when I noticed a person standing at the end of the aisle. A girl with brown hair dip-dyed a fiery orange, around my height, green eyes. "NATSUME D. JUSTICE, WHERE IN THE NAME OF RAFTEL HAVE YOU BEEN?!" I yelled, storming over to her.

"Oh hey, sis…! I've been… stuck here?" Natsume backed up slowly, trying to avoid getting smacked. "You'll never guess who I found though!" That caught my attention. "You can come out now!" She called over her shoulder into the abandoned staff room.

Out stepped a man with black hair, freckles, a cheeky smile, two tattoos, no shirt and an orange hat. One tattoo was a purple skull-thing with a moustache and a cross and the other, ASCE.

It could only be one person.

Portgas D. Ace.

"You… you're alive…" I could feel tears budding in my eyes as I stepped closer to him. Ace looked at me like I was crazy before turning to Natsume.

"Agh, I expected as much. She's gonna need a hug." My sister commented before making the 'go-on' gesture towards Ace. He shrugged and opened his arms. I glomped him and started crying tears of joy and sadness.

"You're alive…" I choked out between my sobs.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Ace asked, turning to Natsume.

"Uhh…" She glared at me for spoiling. "Ryou and I are psychic, and I guess she had a vision that upset her. She gets like this." Natsume answered, patting my head sympathetically. When I had finished crying, I wiped away the rest of my tears.

"Where are you staying?" I wondered aloud, turning my gaze to my sister.

"I was thinking Ran's place." Natsume shrugged.

"Natsume told me to stay with her." Ace cut in.

"Check in every day, you hear me?" I told my sister, who responded with a 'yeah, sure, whatever'.

"Wait, do you have anyone?" Nat asked and I nodded.

"The whole Monster Trio and the whole Idiot Trio. Chopper's with me, actually." I looked at my watch. "I should get going."

"Bye, Nerd." Natsume called and I waved.

"Bye Dweeb! Bye Ace!" I called back, and Ace bowed.

"It was nice meeting you, Ryou." Ace smirked.

I checked out and Chopper noticed something off. "Ryou? Why are your eyes red?"

I froze. "I just found my sister, and someone who I thought was dead." I answered honestly. The next thing I knew, Chopper was hugging my legs.

"I don't like it when my friends cry."


End file.
